Mommy guilt

Going from a mother of one to a mother of two has honestly been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

The day to day things like cleaning, cooking, and laundry are no sweat!
Instead it’s the nights like this one, when they’re both asleep my mind starts to recap the day.

Did I cuddle Emilia enough? Did I pay enough attention to Frankie? Answer all of his questions? Play with him long enough?

When it was just Frankie and I, from the day he came home from the hospital, every second of my day was devoted to him. Being a stay at home mom we did everything together. He even helped me clean the house (and still loves to now). He was the youngest grandchild on my side and only grandchild on Mike’s side. He was the star of the family, spoiled by everyone included me.

When we found out we were expecting Emilia, I cried thinking about how much Frankie’s world would change so drastically in just 9 months! Don’t get me wrong, Frankie has adjusted far better to a sibling than I thought he would. Let me tell you though the looks I get when I have to tell him “just a minute Frankie, I’m doing something for your sister right now.” Make me die a little every time.

I constantly question everything I do. I think of Emilia not being as advanced as Frankie was (he started stringing words together before his first birthday.) because I can’t devote the same amount of time to her. Or Frankie falling into a depression because his days aren’t as fun anymore.

Dramatic I know!

It’s gotten to the point where I feel so guilty when I have to give him a time out or when I need to take a toy away. Because I don’t want him to think it’s because I don’t love him as much anymore.

I’ve made a conscious effort to do special things with just him when Mike is home. Unfortunately those days don’t happen as often as I would like. I include him while caring for his sister and tell him stories about what he was like at his sisters age.

I don’t think my time will ever be divided equally between them. On any given day one might need me more than the other.

I just never want one to think I love the other more. Some days I see the frustration in Frankie’s eyes and my heart breaks. Then other days he could care less about what I’m doing, being too caught up in his toys!

I think I’ll always have these feelings, even when they’re both off and married with families of their own. Ha!Mike always says I’m “too much”, that I’m going to drive myself crazy!

I know I’m not really a terrible mother, it’s just so hard to not let that thought creep in some days!

I know these issues won’t be going away anytime soon, I guess I’ll have to take it day by day. Knowing that in my heart I love them both more than anything in the world and hope they know it too!

I know other mommies have gone through this or are presently going through it.

Any advice for this guilt ridden momma?

– Fran

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Comments

  1. Frances…you are a wonderful Mother no one said that raising children would be easy but you are made for it ……you are the best!

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